I grew up in a town that had a decently funded school with a good education program and a strong interest and support for the arts. I always aimed for good grades and tried to ace everything. I started dancing when I was 3, playing violin in the 3rd grade, and doing theatre in the 5th grade.
Dance was the first activity I took part in. At age 3 I needed a creative outlet... or maybe I just didn't like my baby brother (I definitely bit his hand out of jealously.) My mother gave me some options- dance, cheerleading, or gymnastics. I chose dance. I needed an activity that was for 'big girls' that the baby couldn't do, so if I wanted to dance I had to be a 'big girl'... so I was. And I danced.
I danced for many years. Then the owner of the studio got pregnant and handed the studio off to one of the teachers. However, this particular teacher was not the nicest person. We had a competition dance team.
"You'll never be good enough so don't even try."
I didn't.
I was a generally happy child, but as I went through middle school even though I wasn't actively thinking about this statement, subconsciously, it was there. "You're not good enough" Overtime the "so don't even try" went away because I always wanted to try things. But any time I didn't get a solo in chorus or didn't get the role I wanted in a show or was purposely kept in the same level for dance until I was older than everyone in that class- it subconsciously rang in my head. "You're not good enough."
I was always just me,
trying my best
and never being good enough.
I did have people I looked up to though, they changed overtime but there was always someone who I wanted to be like. Had some skill I wanted. And I'd keep working on my own hoping to maybe come close to being as good at whatever skill as they were. This continued through high school and then I was applying for colleges. I was late to the application process unfortunately, however I was accepted into PSU. I was undeclared with a theatre minor because I knew I wanted to do theatre, but I had to audition for the program. The man who became my advisor saw something special in me and didn't want me to get behind in the major's classes, so I took the classes with all of the majors. Then I re-auditioned for the program.
I didn't get in.
"You're not good enough"
My advisor kept me on the track with the majors, but I was fed up. Then he suggested Interdisciplinary Studies. Eventually I decided I was out of options and I had to add the IDS major because what now? I can't get into this program, I can't afford to transfer, and if I can't get in here, what makes me think I'm good enough to get in somewhere else? Out of options, I enroll in IDS.
What I found changed me.
Honestly, I did come into IDS only half caring about it because I wasn’t good enough for what I really wanted. In addition I didn't know how to fit in and didn't think I belonged with the theatre people or with the IDS people. I was alone, as I always was, and not good enough to do anything that I wanted to do. Once I was in the class, learning how to look at things differently, and realizing that I can make my education work for me- things started to shift. And once I was taking the classes, some of which I didn't really want to add at first, I realized I was going to get way more out of my education than any of the majors in the theatre department. At the same time I started to be respected and included by the professors in the theatre department and I learned it doesn't matter whether you're a 'theatre' major or an 'IDS' major. What matters is what you put into your education, what you get out of your education, and the connections you make along the way. I have done things I never thought I would. On top of that I have enough skills under my belt that I can go to a theatre and fill in almost any job they need. No one else in that theatre department can say that. I can go onstage for a dancing and singing solo, then be backstage a call a show. I can take a set from paper to final product. I can hang a light. I can run the box office and work the production end of the theatre- managing financial sheets and accounts all the way to creating the advertising and marketing the theatre out in the world and on social media.
I was told I wasn't good enough.
So I made myself good at everything.